OOOOOOOlong!

First of all, before we get into this: this was a suggestion from a friend. It’s not like one of those articles where you can pick your favorite tea and I’ll guess your favorite sex position. Not at all. This is just a personal opinion in which I am comparing the two things. So don’t come back to this like a horoscope, I promise I’m not what you’re looking for.

Second of all, I realize why he wanted this: because consent is like tea, and I wrote that post prior to this one. Super witty, good for you, friend! Much love to you and your brain. And to the friend that deciphered what he said, because I swear I didn’t understand it when he said, “WHAT KIND OF SEX IS OOLONG?” Well, let’s find out what I think, shall we?

(Also, disclaimer: TECHNICALLY, all tea comes from the same type of plant. Sex is sex. Metaphors abound. And there are only four main types of tea: black, white, green, and oolong. Technically. But I’m ignoring that. Tea is tea. And I’m only putting what I know is popular, based on a little bit of research and my personal opinion.)

(ANOTHER disclaimer: I’m not discriminating against people who have sex a certain way! Some people will have heterosexual sex, some people will have homosexual sex. And some people will do whatever the fuck they want! Some of these positions won’t work for everyone. So forgive me if I don’t include an option for certain preferences in my thoughts!)

• BLACK TEA: Most people who drink black tea don’t know they’re drinking black tea. And there’s nothing wrong with black tea! But people usually like it. It’s the most well-known - if not by name - and most utilized tea, and it’s clearly for a reason. Because of this, I’m gonna say the “Missionary” position. A very simple position, usually the first one beginners will go for. But this is a great one. The right spots are hit for both parties, and it’s not a bad option no matter what you’re into.

• GREEN TEA: Most people who drink green tea drink it for two reasons. One is to loose weight, one is because they enjoy Asian cuisine. I’m not saying that to be offensive, I’m saying it because you KNOW it’s true. It doesn’t appeal to everyone. Even the people who drink it to lose weight may or may not be a fan. It can be a little difficult if your taste buds aren’t arranged a certain way. So I’m labeling this one as “Reverse Cowgirl” position. Not for everyone, but I feel as though those who like it, REALLY like it.

• MINT TEA: You like things a little brisk. You like things to wake you up a little bit. You’re still drinking tea, so after you’re done, there will be a warm feeling in your belly. However, the process of drinking the tea is something to clear your sinuses right up. I think of this as the “Bodyguard” position, which is when you’re both standing, and whoever is behind is holding you close while penetrating you. You get held pretty close, and if you have the right angle and the right hold, that’ll make you tap out real quick.

• PEPPERMINT TEA: Now, peppermint tea is different from mint tea. There’s a sweetness behind it. It makes it a little bit more intimate. (The tea, I mean. Intimate tea. (If I ever open a business, I’m naming it Intimate Tea. It’s like going to confession, except instead of a priest, it’s just someone super sassy who lets you talk all your shit to them. There, it’s done. Copyright.)) So imagine the “Bodyguard” position again, but hold them nice and tight, maybe a hand around the throat, maybe a little neck kissing. Same power, but just a little more sweet.

• OOLONG TEA: Now, Oolong is something that appeals to a smaller crowd. It’s not quite as heavy as some other teas, but it very easily can be. It’s versatile in many ways as far as flavor goes, which is good as well. But some people don’t know much about it. Those who do, usually are very particular about how they like it. Without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, Oolong tea is anal sex. Period.

• EARL GRAY TEA: This kind of tea has a wide range of flavor, but it’s on the heavier side and very high in caffeine. Most people drink this with their breakfast, because it picks you up in a healthier way than coffee or an energy drink could. I’m going to say this one is “Doggystyle” sex. Someone penetrating you from behind could go slow and steady, or jackhammer fast and rough. Either way, you usually won’t pass out afterwards, and when done well you’re always ready for more.

• WHITE TEA: Super gentle, super hipster, super yummy kind of tea. It’s the healthiest for you, because on a scale from unoxidized to fully oxidized, it’s unoxidized, and made from baby leaves. People go crazy for it. So I’d say this one is like a “Cowgirl” position. The one where whoever is on top is facing you and just having the time of their life. This one is kinda fun for most people who’ve tried it.

• CHAI TEA: Now, I love Chai tea. There’s a warmth behind it that’s incomparable to other teas. And when you spice it? Forget it. The reason behind the warmth is because it tends to be very heavy. Milk is involved in the processing of this tea, and therefore there’s a depth that most other people prefer not be there. This is why I’m labelling this kind of tea as straight up oral sex. Cunnilingus, primarily. Fellatio, yes as well. But there’s something about a woman feeling what she wants to feel when it’s done right that activates my ego in a very attractive way. Going down on a woman is heavy and pressurized and deep and wonderful. One of the greatest experiences, giving (if you’re into it) and receiving (same thing).

• CAMOMILE TEA: I am NOT beating around the bush with this one. This shit knocks you out. SleepyTime Tea is LITERALLY just camomile with some lavender and vanilla notes in there. Like, no joke, you LOOK at this tea and you’re asleep. So I have to say that this one is the “Anvil” position, as some have called it. Think intimate missionary. Perfect if you enjoy feeling dominated by something. It’s missionary, but whoever’s on top is so close to you that they’re pushing on your legs and they’re close to your face. Wonderful. (Might be my personal favorite.)

• OTHER HERBAL TEAS: This includes flavors like camomile (which I mentioned separately because it’s crazy popular), turmeric, echinacea, ginseng, mint/peppermint (also mentioned separately for the same reason), hibiscus, cinnamon, fennel, and ginger root, among many others. Technically, you can make tea out of very many things. I’ll even include cannabis tea in this. Because of the wide range, this reminds very much of a BDSM-oriented kind of thing. No position can really fit, because no two herbal teas are made the same way. BDSM is an interesting chapter in the sexual world, and you can do a lot of things with it. There’s a wrong way to do it, definitely (cough cough 50 SHADES of wrong cough cough). But there’s no right way, really. Just have fun and be safe.

• FRUIT-FLAVORED TEAS: You’re different. You like experimenting. You probably don’t like repeating certain flavors, because when there are so many - and you can get crazy and MAKE so many - why would you stick to the same thing? Sure, you know which flavors you prefer, but at the end of the day, you’re not going to stop experimentation. So I’m not going to put a position for this one, either. But I will say this: there’s probably toys and props and roleplaying and ropes and experimental fun things that are consistently involved. Or not. But it’s always pretty different.

Let’s have some more fun.

• WITH LEMON: You like it a little tart, I’m guessing. You like adding a punch that kind of makes sense, based on the type of tea that you like, but still adds another flavor that you can’t really get anywhere else… Unless you’re drinking lemon-flavored tea. In which case, look above and see what I said for “Fruit-Flavored Teas”. Same concept, but with lemon juice, you add some more fun stuff. I say fun loosely, people have fun in different ways.

• WITH HONEY: You like adding a sweetness to your tea, without it being straight sugar. I do know people who drink tea with honey and sugar together, but most people usually do one or the other. Sweet on top of sweet is a whole different ball game. It reminds me of people who sweet-talk during sex. Talking dirty is attractive to a lot of people, whether it’s hearing it or being the one to say it. But something about hearing that you’re doing a good job and that you’re important to them in that moment shivers some timbers.

• WITH MILK: Used in the production of the afore-mentioned Chai tea, milk adds a heaviness and depth to tea. Some people use it to cool their tea down, while most I think use it to add flavor and substance. I can see people adding it to Earl Gray, because of the breakfast-y feeling you get from it. Because of this, I think of people who cuddle a lot before, during, and/or after sex. Intimacy and warmth are important parts of the relation, and for some people it’s incredibly necessary. Aftercare is a facet of certain aspects of sex that some people need or else it triggers a not-so-pleasant response.

• WITH SUGAR: Adding sugar to your tea is something most people do. It’s a generic way to get a more preferable taste out of your tea, by using a common thing. And some people don’t like it, and there are different kinds of sugar, too. But it’s not strange for people to do. This is comparable to kissing during sex. Some people prefer pecks every now and again, some people spend a decent chunk of time making out, sometimes it’s with tongue, sometimes it’s without. But it either happens or it doesn’t, no biggie.

• WITH NOTHING: You like things the way they are, raw, with no preference as far as the bitterness that may be behind it. I personally don’t like my tea this way, because sometimes the bitterness leaves a taste on my tongue that I can’t get rid of. But people who drink their tea black, same as those who drink their coffee black, like that about it. They like the fact that it’s bitter. It’s like beer - bitter ale is something specifically made to appeal to a certain people. So I’m going to say that this is when you have a detachment. You’re not much of a cuddler or a kisser after or during sex. That doesn’t mean you can’t be intimate; you just prefer sex being a little separate than a relationship kind of thing, whether friendly or otherwise.

• WITH A COMBINATION: You like switching things up a lot. Doing regular things in an irregular way. You like what you like, and you’re usually particular with it. You know, “Two sugars, half and half,” that sort of thing. So sexually, it’s like simply changing the placement of a leg or the angle and arch of your back to get a different effect. In experimenting in this way, you find what you like and you’ll go for it each time.

So that’s what I think. Yes, I know some people don’t like tea. You don’t have to tell me. Drink on, Pineapple Peeps!