Mini-Me

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of specific kinks and head-spaces that may make some people feel uncomfortable, mentions of pedophilia. But please don't worry, this is not about pedophilia. At all. That's kind of my point in writing this to begin with.

So, this is a topic that I've been kind of letting simmer in my brain for a while. I've been exploring my placement within this kink, and it's been a wild ride doing so. (Not that the label matters, I understand that. However, sometimes labels can be helpful, and for me they happen to be VERY helpful.)

The concept of Bigs and Littles at its core isn't very strange. In the simplest of terms, it falls under the umbrella of a Dominant and Submissive relationship. However, with the title of the Dom(me) in this relationship also comes with the title of Caregiver. The Caregiver, the Dom(me), is the Big. The Little is the Sub.

Now, before going into what this entails, I'd just like to point out that this is not only coming from my own personal knowledge and experience, but also from things I've discussed with people and looked into further. It's a strange area, and there's no way to do (consensual) kink wrong, so don't take this as the only rules you have to follow if this kink sounds in any way familiar to you.

The caretaker side generally has the title of Daddy/Mommy or any variant like that. This terminology is what turns people off most of the time - hearing terms like this that people use on a regular basis being used in a pseudo-sexual nature. Again, this kink is not inherently sexual, but it is connected to a physical attraction and almost reliance on one another, so it's hard for a lot of people to separate the two. In a positive Big/Little dynamic, the Big will usually evolve their care-taking skills so as to make the Little feel as comforted and safe as possible.

On the Little side, it's what I feel to be a much larger spectrum. Sometimes there will be age regression, but this is not what being a Little is dependent upon. Personally, me falling into the kink has to do with my own vulnerability. I allow myself to become comfortable enough with someone to let them be, in a sense, in charge of me.

I personally don't use titles like Daddy/Mommy, but even that took a while to figure out. I prefer things like Mister for my more masculine partners, and I actually do not have experience with a more feminine Caregiver so I never thought what I would ever call one if I had one. But the titles and labels are ALL up to you. The dynamic exists regardless. I feel that most of my interactions with my Bigs happen in silence. What I mean by that is that if there's any instance of me being put into my place, it's with a look or an action, not with words. The words that are necessary are said in the beginning, when discussing what the dynamic actually is. This for me is just because to have the title of Caregiver for me, it's a deep connection that requires a lot of time to develop. So me being able to be silenced with a look, or comforted with a smile, was a long time coming if it's happening at all.

The title of Mommy or Daddy or something similar that might induce a feeling of disgust in the vanilla community, or the BDSM community not in the know, is honestly just used because we can not find any other label that conveys what the relationship is. The feeling similar to the safety and love we feel other than that of the original 'caregivers' - our parents.

I had a conversation with someone about this as I was writing this and they came up with a question I felt the need to answer: "What does having "daddy issues" mean, if this kink is so legitimate?" And here's my answer: it has NOTHING to do with this kink. Your "daddy issues" may mean one thing, or they may mean another. It doesn't mean you're depraved or deprived, it just means that you may have an issue on the "daddy" side of things. That does not mean that this kink is for you. It's a common misconception, and it's honestly inconsiderate in my opinion. I have daddy issues because I don't have one, because he's dead. So like, does that mean I have daddy issues like what you're thinking? No, so shut up. The term is annoying. Just a side thought. Anyways...

In my experience, this dynamic works the best when my Big provides rules. The bratty side of me is what decides to follow or break those rules, but it’s all part of the game. Some people have rules as severe as those put in place in a standard D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship, and some are very lenient, while some partners have no rules at all and just exist in the dynamic as two normal humans would.

My favorite part about this dynamic? You can fuck with it. I used to say “Daddy”, now it’s “Mister”, as I said before. And my partner at the time was with it. I’ve had some Bigs who disciplined me harshly, and adjusted when requested. I’ve had Bigs not discipline me at ALL, and they also adjusted when requested. And sometimes my Bigs don’t understand my needs, or I don’t understand theirs. At the end of the day, regardless of any age regression, you are all CONSENTING ADULTS who can break out of the game to have an ADULT conversation with your partner.

One of the other big misconception about this kink is one of the major ones that tag along with BDSM in general - No, not all participants are going to be in kink brain all the time. Just as some members of the general BDSM community don’t walk out in public in leather and leashes, and some do, the Big/Little community has the same. Some people will leave their homes with stuffed animals, or pacifiers, or something to discipline their Little with. But some don’t. It is a lifestyle, but it’s the relationship that has priority to take place all the time, not the more intimate acts.

When I’m in public, I choose not to wear my leash or collar (because again, that is part of MY relationship to my big - giving in to the kitten/pet side of my Little-ness). But in my car, as some of you know, I always have a stuffed animal. Falling into what's called "Little Space" is very easy for someone like me to do.

Little Space just means when an adult regresses to a "childlike" state. To me, that means vulnerability, innocence, naivety... Nothing to do with actually feeling like a child. It's not physical. It is completely mental. And most of the time, because the Little is an adult, they can cope with it very easily. This headspace is not to be confused with what we call Sub-Space. While a Little tends to be the Submissive side of things, Sub-Space is a similar mindset, but it's usually triggered by something else. That's for another post, though. (In another 5 years when I actually remember that I set deadlines for my own posts. El Oh El, ya know.)

Being a Little makes the most sense to me. I'm the aggressive, dominant, asking if everything is okay kind of person usually. As I've said in more than one post, I think, the hottest thing to me is when someone can overpower me. And when someone thinks that I'm worth pretty much taking care of me and allowing me to fall into Little Space with them? Yeah, that's the shit I like.

This kink has taught me not to judge, either. Do I stan pedophiles? Fuck no, get the fuck out of my face. I refuse. I absolutely refuse. But this is not pedophilia. At all. And we are not making pretend we are children physically. Acting as a child would, putting oneself into the mindset where a child's would be... That's what we're doing. And to be honest, I've never met a Little, let alone a Sub, that couldn't snap out of it by themselves. Because, as I say for the millionth time, we are all consenting adults. And that is the most important thing.

I hope I opened some eyes and changed some minds with this! As I've said a thousand times, as long as there's consent, there's no way to do things wrong. I hope to hear some questions from the group, see you next time!