I'm Sorry. And I Try To Mean It.

TRIGGER WARNING: I'm not editing any of this. I'm not going through and writing it again. I'm talking about so many ridiculous and sad things, and I'm not listing them because I don't give a fuck about keeping it professional right now. It is, at the end of the day, MY blog. And I just need to empty my chest a little bit.

I'm not happy. I don't know why I'm not happy. I just cannot maintain a level of consistently being okay for long enough to consider me being "happy". I don't know what "happy" means or where "happy" is. I've been there, but I guess I fell asleep on the car ride there and back, and I don't know how to get there again. But the visits don't last long. They are actually physically tiring, and that's why the nap on the way back seems so inviting.

I don't know how to fix anything. I don't know why my anxiety does what it does, or when/if it's going to stop. I try, I do. And it honestly really pisses me off when people think I'm not trying. I try so hard, and honestly sometimes just getting out of bed is the most effort I can exert for the day. Which is why I don't go above and beyond on those days. I just get out of bed and do my best, which is apparently never enough.

I can't fucking write when I'm not okay. This blog is really hard. I have - no joke, I'll screenshot if you'd like - 14 posts that are halfway finished. I love the topics I've chosen and the audience that chooses to read it, it has nothing to do with anything like that. I just can not get my hands to type the things because my brain is telling me that I shouldn't care about it. My brain tells me that it doesn't matter, and my body is weaker than my brain so it just says, "Okay," and does nothing because it's convinced that it doesn't matter.

I'm so sorry to everyone. I've bailed on so many plans, I've started and not finished so many projects. I've not answered texts, I've left events halfway through, I've gotten so drunk or high that I was a ghost of myself in social situations. And I'm so fucking sorry.

But here's the thing: I can't even mean that I'm sorry 100%. The same brain that tells me nothing matters, is the brain that makes my (usually) sincere and heartfelt apologies not as sincere and heartfelt. And honestly, it's hard to try. It is fucking hard to try to be sorry. And to try to do better next time. And to follow through on doing better next time, so that I don't have to apologize again.

But do I need to be sorry? I'm not using depression as an excuse. I'm not using anxiety as a scapegoat. But if it's genuinely not my fault, is an apology necessary? Yes, because you need to be accountable for your actions, right? But what if you are literally not able to be accountable for your actions? Do you still apologize for whatever was done that ended up affecting others? Also, how much of what affected others is something that should be apologized for, anyway? Am I wrong for causing an effect, or is someone wrong for taking something personally? I can't knock someone for being hurt by something that I did, but there's a gray area and it brings me to an even deeper place.

I'm trying. I'm trying to mean everything I say. I'm trying to be whatever the fuck "happy" is. And I do mean when I say I'm sorry, to the best of my ability. And I mean it more when I say that I'm trying. So fucking hard. I'm trying.