No. Means. No.

TRIGGER WARNING.

This is going to be a story dealing with my personal life. All of this information is coming from me. None of this is fake. Note the trigger warning above. Also, this is all resolved. I’m opening myself up, and in return I ask that you only speak to me about any issues/questions you might have.

I’m only talking about one relationship. The most recent one I was in. He was awful. He got me addicted to heroin, he abused me, and he made me feel worthless. Like I needed him to survive. I know now I don’t. But during, my brain wasn’t clear. After the rain cleared, I could see. I asked for permission for everything. I didn’t know who I was without him. He used me, and he made me feel like he wasn’t. His manipulation skills were through the roof. Half of me blames the addiction. Half of me can’t.

When we had sex, this didn’t change. I’d say I didn’t like something, and he’d laugh. “You’re always so horny, how could you not like this?” was something he said to me often. When I tried to push him off of me, he’d hit me or choke me too hard. I’d end sex crying most times. The only thing he did well and that I enjoyed was when he would perform oral sex on me. It didn’t happen often, but when it did, it was amazing. I couldn’t even remember most of those times, though, because it would be preceded by a scoff, and followed by being forced to reciprocate.

This was also the person who would not allow me to watch pornography. I should have noticed the insecurities he possessed before moving forward with him. I hate that I loved him. And I’m happy I don’t anymore.

I was engaged to this person. I wanted to marry this person. It took me way too long to realize that it wasn’t good for me. It took him going to jail for me to leave. It took him literally dying for me to realize that I needed help for certain things. It took all of this happening for me to realize that while it was happening, I was a victim. I was being raped. I was being abused. I was not in a good place.

Now, I am okay. Please know that I’m okay. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I scream, and sometimes I have tendencies to think that I’m not okay. But because I now know that’s okay, I truly know that I am and will be okay.

But this hurt me. This changed me as a human. I decided after all of this, after going to detox and becoming clean, after realizing that he was really gone… I realized I wanted to be better for it. This wasn’t the first bad relationship that I was in. This was the one that made me realize that I wasn’t just an object. The one that made me realize how important it is to FUCKING SAY NO.

This is why I’m so heavy on consent. If you say no, and the person doesn’t respect your “no”, it’s NOT OKAY. And FUCK ANYONE who will belittle your “no”. Your “no” and your “yes” and everything you say is so important. You matter, and your partner(s) should fucking respect that.

Again I’ll say: I’m okay now. I hit 90 days a little while ago, I fixed a lot of things in my life. I’m not perfect, but I’m consistently getting better. And this relationship made me realize that I’m worth more than I was given. I’m striving for someone who gives a shit about me. Sexually and otherwise.

I’m worth it. You’re worth it. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever let your partner(s) make you feel less than that. You’re important. And you'll stay that way. To me, at least. I promise. I love you, you’re worth the world, I want you to feel safe, and you are so important. It’s crazy how important you are. Each of you are butterflies that blossomed from the nonsense goo of whatever issues you’ve been through. You’re important. Please don’t forget.