I'm going to make a point you probably have seen driven home all over your feeds and timelines. Here's a list of celebrity suicides you're most likely very much so aware of:
- Kurt Cobain
- Robin Williams
- Jonathan Brandis
- Alexander McQueen
- Chester Bennington
- Junior Seau
- Diane Arbus
- Avicii
- Marilyn Monroe (probable)
- Johnny Lewis
- Dana Plato
- Ernest Hemingway
- Vincent Van Gogh
- Sylvia Plath
- Kate Spade
- Anthony Bourdain
I ask for simply this... Pay. Fucking. Attention.
It is nobody's job to fix anyone, and don't feel like you have to. But I think there's something to be said about the person who's just kind of *off* today for no reason, getting an extra smile from you. I think asking, "Hey, you doing okay today?", even though you may not get what you're aware is the truth, helps a lot. Even if the person you're asking cannot answer with "NO" like they'd like to sometimes, because admitting you're not okay is hard. Especially when there's no reason.
I'm not going to try and break down why Kate Spade, my all time favorite designer, decided that suicide was the right path for her. I will, however, shut my office down at my place of work when they fucking decided to talk about the finer details of her suicide. Like, nobody said they give fuck about whether she hung herself from a doorknob or not, just let people grieve and allow her spirit to float for A SECOND before chucking questions at it.
When I say "pay attention", I also don't mean to every random person in the corner you see. I don't mean try and throw your assistance at anyone. But when I was low (and still am), the things that mean the most are just random people seeing my (incredibly vocal) cries for help and just being like, "Hey, I see you!" Like, just being seen makes me feel valid. Just knowing someone is willing to help, even if they don't or don't know how. Showing someone you give a fuck is honestly the biggest gesture.
When I was in 10th grade, on Easter, I attempted suicide. There's been self-harm before that, and there's been self-harm after that. And I'm 23 and still trying to convince myself that if I died, there would be at least one person who didn't shrug it off. It's hard sometimes. And talking about it is harder, too. I've been struggling with loving myself and every aspect of myself, inside and out, so that my wrists don't burn every time my depression takes the wheel in my head. But it's hard. And I need to tell all of you this.
You are important. Period. There is nobody who would be better off without you. Period. Your feelings are valid. You belong here. I pinky promise it's going to get better. Yes, it's a bold promise, but I never break my pinky promises and I'm not about to break this one. Things get worse before they get better. If they're getting worse, please hang on.
Maybe it's selfish. I don't want to lose anyone else. I have a folder full of funeral cards and I don't want any more. But YOU need be selfish, too. To the people who would rather see you gone, be selfish and hope that their heart is full of nothing but YOU. If they're thinking about you that much to wish ill upon you in any way, think of them as your personal fan club. When they start saying, "You can't," loud enough, instead of screaming, "You're right," back at them, start doing your best to start screaming, "I fucking can, and I'm going to, if for nothing other than to shut you up."
Being here is so fucking hard. Being a person is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I'm sure so many people feel that way. It's hard when you don't know why you feel this way, too. And maybe it's harder when you do know why but you can't do anything about it. When I dissociate - which happens quite frequently - I try to find my hands first, and I've found terminology that kind of helps with everything...
I know it feels like you're drowning. Please try and find your hands and try swimming. When you focus on your hands and swim, then I promise there's air above you. You just have to try to swim, but to swim your need to find your hands. Your hands can't help you if they're holding on to something to end you. Whatever it is, put it down. It's OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY. Let yourself not be okay. Breathe. And please keep swimming. Nothing takes three seconds. No medication in the world can cure this. But PLEASE keep swimming. Just keep swimming. You'll find air. I promise you. Just please keep swimming.
Below are some free resources for those who think they're helpful. I know it's hard to pick up a phone or write or text sometimes, but if you can, please do. And if you have any others (or know of any that are bogus), please let me know.
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE:
1-800-273-8255
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION CHAT:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
LIST OF INTERNATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINES:
http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines
THE TREVOR PROJECT - SUICIDE PREVENTION FOR LGBTQIA+ TEEN/YA:
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now
24/7 HOTLINE: 866-488-7386
M-F 3p-10p TEXT LINE: text "Trevor" to 202-304-1200
OTHER FOUND RESOURCES:
https://www.imalive.org
http://remedylive.com
https://www.chatzy.com/suicide
https://www.healthyplace.com/suicide/suicide-chat-hotline-options
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