TRIGGER WARNING.
Hey, guys. I know this started off with full steam, and I know that I'm always super gung-ho and open about my sex life. And about my life in general, really. But there are some things that I can never really explain to anyone. They're in my head, they're felt by me in one way or another, and I could be the best writer in the world and never be able to express how I felt to anyone.
The best thing that I'm trying to almost force myself to do is ignore the negativity. My biggest issue with myself is my depression. From that springs most other issues that I have. I'm not using it as a scapegoat for my problems. But a reason is different than an excuse, and this is most certainly a reason. A chemical reason that changes a quite a lot.
A great quote that was brought to my attention - actually as I was writing this - kind of makes sense in the way that I'm approaching my sex life right now. And my regular life, really. It's from Agatha Christie's "Murder on the Orient Express", and the quote is: "I have learned to save myself useless emotion." What a rad quote. Not save oneself from emotion, period. But save oneself from what does nothing for you.
I refuse to deny myself the right to feel emotion. When I numb myself, it's not healthy. I use sex as a weapon, and I use it viciously. For someone such as myself, it's a strange thing to use. Like Jigglypuff using a machete. I can be sexually aggressive - duh - but when I say that I weaponize my sex appeal, it's dangerous for my own mental health more than anything. And potentially my normal health, should I make choices that aren't good for me.
I know I've already posted about my issues as far as sex and my mental health. But, seeing as I've already made a promise (if only to myself) that if I were going to write a blog - especially one with these topics - I'd be as open as possible. This post is possibly redundant, but it's not an exception. And it is a very big part of my life.
I want to be able to have the sex I want, for the right reasons. I want my sexual partners to know that I'm not using them for sex, and I'm not using sex as an escape from anything. I want to let people know that the rough sex I want to have is not for any reason other than the enjoyment I receive from it. I want those I love and know care about me to be the ones to do what I like, because I know that it's nothing I ever have to worry about.
Jigglypuff might like getting JigglyRUFF, but that does not mean that I deserve that consistently. And that does not meant that I have to distract myself with things I like to be happy. It's like dangling a candy bar in front of a treadmill so that someone will run. It's not fair to me. Useless emotions are, for want of a better word, USELESS. And I will make sure to apply this to my life in all aspects, to promote positivity in everything that I do.
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