Bad News Bears

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of a mental state that might make some people uncomfortable.

FIRST of all, hello! I haven't written in a little while and I'm happy you guys have stuck around. I'll try to be more constant in my writing, but sometimes life gets in the way. So again, thank you guys for chillin' in the wings!

Second of all, this post - although still standing true by itself - is a little bit of an explanation of some of the mental/physical barriers that have held me back from my creative self.

In my life, if I've spoken with you about some of the people I sleep with, you've probably heard me say that someone may be a  "bad news bears boy" or something similar. I know that it's silly, but it actually comes from a deeper place, I think. This post is going to be more mental health than anything, even though it stems from a sexual place.

There was a boy I was sleeping with. I'll leave his name out, obviously, even though some of you may know the name of who I'm talking about. For a long time, we were pseudo-falling in and out of love with one another. He and I made some awful decisions, and I regret every second of it. But here's the thing: from time to time, we still sleep with one another. Why do we do that? Why the hell are we doing this to ourselves?

Let me explain. Get ready for this.

So, long story short, we ended up having a conversation about where we were in life, what we were both looking for, the dishonesty on his part, the emotional ROLLERCOASTER on mine... You name it, we've talked about it. And we decided that we were too horny and our sex was too good to give up. After that, we've had more issues about his dishonesty, but my emotions actually backed off a little and I was (and am) able to have sex with him without any attachment. Which is what I'd prefer for situations like this. If I'm going to sleep with people freely, I don't want any strings. It's bad for my brain, and it's not fair to anyone.

Then, his dishonesty stopped. He started telling me things. Not everything, but to be honest I couldn't give less of a fuck. Not for me to know, not for me to care about. No worries. And it's actually fine.

Not "fine" in the sense of "it's not at all fine but I'm saying it to end the conversations surrounding it". "Fine" as in "this is actually cool, no worries, no big deal, over, done". It's actually fine. Or rather, it was for a while. But even now, with everything going on, it's still better than it was.

Sometimes I still think about how shitty our relationship was. And is. And sometimes after having sex with him, I feel disgusting. Like I'm the worst person in the entire world for even considering still sleeping with someone like him. I think about it during sex with him, too. And even though he always respects my wishes to stop, it makes me feel even worse that my almost-PTSD with him is ruining what could potentially be a great time.

Sexually, I don't think I've ever been with someone more compatible. I've had amazing sex. I've had sex that I think about and even after how long still makes my mouth water. I've had sex with people of all walks of life. I've been hurt by people, treated well by people, all of that. But something about sex with him really keeps me coming back. (Cue Chingy feat. Tyrese "Pullin' Me Back" please. If you don't know the song, listen. Doesn't really apply, but it's a lit throwback. You're welcome.)

And he's let me explore my kink side, for sure. We've explored things as mellow as just regular domination, to as severe as knife play. The physical trust I have is unmatched, truly. He's one of the only people I've ever felt comfortable switching for and showing my domme side. And because of how physically in sync we are, it's even harder to let go.

Here's how I see it. If we're being honest, and I've tried to be nothing but, I'm way too much of a sexually-driven creature to give up on sex like that. And every time I go to make that choice - whether or not to sleep with him - I run questions by him. I need to make sure he's not cheating on anyone by sleeping with me, that's the biggest one. And if/when he answers them all and he's not being an asshole, then it's perfectly fine. We hang, we smoke, we fuck, we sleep (sometimes), and then we go about our lives. But it's our past interactions that still hover behind each orgasm. And it's something I'm actually choosing to dismiss most of the time.

At the end of the day, what he did was shitty. Who I was, was shitty. But we've both come miles above that. We've been vocal and talked, we've discussed maybe trying to date again, and we've adamantly and unanimously decided that it was a bad fucking idea. That's why I think I can do it. There's no goal other than to have a good night with one another every now and again. And watching him grow as a human as we continue to sleep together is so refreshing. I'm not taking credit for the growth, that's all him. I can only take credit for mine. But I'm happy that the sad feelings are now in the past. It's only the past that makes me uncomfortable. And I hope that the future stays positive.

Whether we continue to do what we're doing, or whether we dead one another, or whether we fall off, every choice that was made has created the people we are today. I quite like myself right now, for the most part. I'm grateful for my experiences. I wouldn't be me without them.

People like him are one of the reasons I haven't been myself. Rather, why I'm trying to find myself. I'll sacrifice a blog post if it means I can focus on myself for a little while. Hopefully my bad news bears boy won't impede my growth anymore. I'm working on myself. I'll get there.

Mini-Me

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of specific kinks and head-spaces that may make some people feel uncomfortable, mentions of pedophilia. But please don't worry, this is not about pedophilia. At all. That's kind of my point in writing this to begin with.

So, this is a topic that I've been kind of letting simmer in my brain for a while. I've been exploring my placement within this kink, and it's been a wild ride doing so. (Not that the label matters, I understand that. However, sometimes labels can be helpful, and for me they happen to be VERY helpful.)

The concept of Bigs and Littles at its core isn't very strange. In the simplest of terms, it falls under the umbrella of a Dominant and Submissive relationship. However, with the title of the Dom(me) in this relationship also comes with the title of Caregiver. The Caregiver, the Dom(me), is the Big. The Little is the Sub.

Now, before going into what this entails, I'd just like to point out that this is not only coming from my own personal knowledge and experience, but also from things I've discussed with people and looked into further. It's a strange area, and there's no way to do (consensual) kink wrong, so don't take this as the only rules you have to follow if this kink sounds in any way familiar to you.

The caretaker side generally has the title of Daddy/Mommy or any variant like that. This terminology is what turns people off most of the time - hearing terms like this that people use on a regular basis being used in a pseudo-sexual nature. Again, this kink is not inherently sexual, but it is connected to a physical attraction and almost reliance on one another, so it's hard for a lot of people to separate the two. In a positive Big/Little dynamic, the Big will usually evolve their care-taking skills so as to make the Little feel as comforted and safe as possible.

On the Little side, it's what I feel to be a much larger spectrum. Sometimes there will be age regression, but this is not what being a Little is dependent upon. Personally, me falling into the kink has to do with my own vulnerability. I allow myself to become comfortable enough with someone to let them be, in a sense, in charge of me.

I personally don't use titles like Daddy/Mommy, but even that took a while to figure out. I prefer things like Mister for my more masculine partners, and I actually do not have experience with a more feminine Caregiver so I never thought what I would ever call one if I had one. But the titles and labels are ALL up to you. The dynamic exists regardless. I feel that most of my interactions with my Bigs happen in silence. What I mean by that is that if there's any instance of me being put into my place, it's with a look or an action, not with words. The words that are necessary are said in the beginning, when discussing what the dynamic actually is. This for me is just because to have the title of Caregiver for me, it's a deep connection that requires a lot of time to develop. So me being able to be silenced with a look, or comforted with a smile, was a long time coming if it's happening at all.

The title of Mommy or Daddy or something similar that might induce a feeling of disgust in the vanilla community, or the BDSM community not in the know, is honestly just used because we can not find any other label that conveys what the relationship is. The feeling similar to the safety and love we feel other than that of the original 'caregivers' - our parents.

I had a conversation with someone about this as I was writing this and they came up with a question I felt the need to answer: "What does having "daddy issues" mean, if this kink is so legitimate?" And here's my answer: it has NOTHING to do with this kink. Your "daddy issues" may mean one thing, or they may mean another. It doesn't mean you're depraved or deprived, it just means that you may have an issue on the "daddy" side of things. That does not mean that this kink is for you. It's a common misconception, and it's honestly inconsiderate in my opinion. I have daddy issues because I don't have one, because he's dead. So like, does that mean I have daddy issues like what you're thinking? No, so shut up. The term is annoying. Just a side thought. Anyways...

In my experience, this dynamic works the best when my Big provides rules. The bratty side of me is what decides to follow or break those rules, but it’s all part of the game. Some people have rules as severe as those put in place in a standard D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship, and some are very lenient, while some partners have no rules at all and just exist in the dynamic as two normal humans would.

My favorite part about this dynamic? You can fuck with it. I used to say “Daddy”, now it’s “Mister”, as I said before. And my partner at the time was with it. I’ve had some Bigs who disciplined me harshly, and adjusted when requested. I’ve had Bigs not discipline me at ALL, and they also adjusted when requested. And sometimes my Bigs don’t understand my needs, or I don’t understand theirs. At the end of the day, regardless of any age regression, you are all CONSENTING ADULTS who can break out of the game to have an ADULT conversation with your partner.

One of the other big misconception about this kink is one of the major ones that tag along with BDSM in general - No, not all participants are going to be in kink brain all the time. Just as some members of the general BDSM community don’t walk out in public in leather and leashes, and some do, the Big/Little community has the same. Some people will leave their homes with stuffed animals, or pacifiers, or something to discipline their Little with. But some don’t. It is a lifestyle, but it’s the relationship that has priority to take place all the time, not the more intimate acts.

When I’m in public, I choose not to wear my leash or collar (because again, that is part of MY relationship to my big - giving in to the kitten/pet side of my Little-ness). But in my car, as some of you know, I always have a stuffed animal. Falling into what's called "Little Space" is very easy for someone like me to do.

Little Space just means when an adult regresses to a "childlike" state. To me, that means vulnerability, innocence, naivety... Nothing to do with actually feeling like a child. It's not physical. It is completely mental. And most of the time, because the Little is an adult, they can cope with it very easily. This headspace is not to be confused with what we call Sub-Space. While a Little tends to be the Submissive side of things, Sub-Space is a similar mindset, but it's usually triggered by something else. That's for another post, though. (In another 5 years when I actually remember that I set deadlines for my own posts. El Oh El, ya know.)

Being a Little makes the most sense to me. I'm the aggressive, dominant, asking if everything is okay kind of person usually. As I've said in more than one post, I think, the hottest thing to me is when someone can overpower me. And when someone thinks that I'm worth pretty much taking care of me and allowing me to fall into Little Space with them? Yeah, that's the shit I like.

This kink has taught me not to judge, either. Do I stan pedophiles? Fuck no, get the fuck out of my face. I refuse. I absolutely refuse. But this is not pedophilia. At all. And we are not making pretend we are children physically. Acting as a child would, putting oneself into the mindset where a child's would be... That's what we're doing. And to be honest, I've never met a Little, let alone a Sub, that couldn't snap out of it by themselves. Because, as I say for the millionth time, we are all consenting adults. And that is the most important thing.

I hope I opened some eyes and changed some minds with this! As I've said a thousand times, as long as there's consent, there's no way to do things wrong. I hope to hear some questions from the group, see you next time!

I Scream... For Ice Cream?

I had a conversation with a friend not terribly long ago in regards to preference. Her preference is black women, and she was very adamant about letting people know. And that's okay, everyone likes what they like. I just think it's smart to understand what you say when you're saying you have a "racial preference" as far as partners, romantic or otherwise, are concerned.

*BEFORE CONTINUING, I'd like to put a disclaimer: not only is this a no-judgement zone, but I understand nobody in my friend circle is a racist person. I'm fully aware. This is a sensitive subject, but to those who answered YES in my poll to having a preference, just know that I applaud you for admitting it openly. I have a preference. That's discriminatory as FUCK, and I can't help what I like, and it doesn't mean I haven't dated other people or wouldn't accept other people.*

When you say you have a racial preference, you are saying that even through evolving as a human race, you can not put aside the deeply-rooted stereotypes that each ethnicity or race (which are different, but I think that both hold true in this explanation) come with. Why do you prefer dating someone of color, or someone not of color, or what have you?

What makes black people the most attractive race in your eyes? What makes you say you're looking for a "white boy"? Why are Latinx people "so sexy" to you? Do you not see the fetishization you're implementing?

What exactly makes a race more attractive to another? My answer is stereotypes. Think about it. How many times have you heard something about member size, or booty size, or being "crazy" in bed, or something like that? More times than I'd care to admit.

Stereotypes were, at one point, based in fact. There are biological reasons that correlate with some. For example, the reason people of color may have bigger members is the same reason they have as much melanin as they do. Melanin is the pigment in skin that protects people from the sun. Hence, people who lived in warmer climates needed more to protect them. Which is why people around the Equator are darker than those who lived in Northern Europe or places like that. By that same logic, because of the heat, people of color were also taller, and had larger dicks, because more surface area on the body meant that the heat of the environment could spread out better and people wouldn't die from sun exposure every day.

You can't get mad at anyone for having a big dick. And you can't get mad at anyone for liking it. But assuming a certain race or ethnicity is going to have one is stupid, to be honest.

That was just one example, and I'm sure that other people can see more. In my favorite musical, HAIR, there are two songs - "Black Boys" and "White Boys" - that are sung by ladies of the opposite race, and they start naming reasons why they love what they love. "Black boys are delicious, chocolate-flavored love... I have such a sweet tooth when it comes to love..." and, "White boys are so pretty, hair like Chinese silk... White boys are so lovely, beautiful as girls..."

As great as the show is, does NOBODY see how problematic that is? Come on, now.

And not all of these stereotypes are negative! Most of them are some kind of positive attribute - preferred size, intelligence, money... Things like that aren't negative, necessarily, but why assume other people can't share the very same attributes?

While I can't knock anyone for liking what they like, I know I've encountered people who've only been interested in me because of my weight, or how EXOTIC I am, etc. (Also, if one more person calls me "exotic" when they just mean "not white" I'm going to throw up all over them.) So please be mindful.

Another friend made a wonderful comparison. "Just because you may like vanilla ice cream doesn't mean you should not eat pistachio because it looks different than vanilla." He's right. We're not allergic to other flavors of ice cream. Half of us haven't even tried anything other than vanilla before saying it's our favorite.

While having the racial preference is something that's very hard to unlearn, we can understand the racist background it hides behind. Never give up a beautiful opportunity, sexually or romantically, because of your preexisting notions of the race or ethnicity of the person that holds that opportunity. And never hold yourself accountable to the issue of stereotyping. Just remember that it can be unlearned, and you should always see the person for the light they hold, not the lampshade that happens to covers it.

Poly Pockets

You'll find, upon reading my blog, that my favorite word is "stigma". Well, not my favorite word, but it makes the most sense in most of the things I write. What does stigma mean?

• STIGMA (noun): a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.

So, when I talk about the stigma behind things, it's just because there's bad vibes surrounding it that I'd love to try and alleviate, if only from the minds of the people who read this.

Let's talk about some other definitions, though, since there's a STIGMA behind these two terms as well, and some people don't seem to know the difference. (And although 11/18 people said they knew the difference, I honestly might have to call a little bit of bullshit. Thank you to the 6/18 that said "sort of", and shoutout to the ONE who straight up said "no".)

• OPEN RELATIONSHIP (noun): a relationship in which both partners agree that each may have sexual relations with others.
• POLYAMORY (noun): the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.

Let's elaborate, shall we?.

In an open relationship, whatever the agreement may be, one would be able to sexually do whatever they'd like while still being in a monogamous relationship. Polyamory, however, means that one would have more than one partner romantically, and whatever they did would be their business. Some people don't understand, and my favorite statement in regard to either is, "Well, it's just not for me."

Okay, nobody cares about YOU when it's not YOUR relationship. First of all.

I just wish people would understand one main thing - no matter what the status of your relationship, PEOPLE CAN STILL CHEAT. Most people I've spoken to in regard to open relationships or polyamory have always thought that it's just a green light to do whatever you please, and that's just not the case.

Cheating means dishonesty, it means hiding, it means that when you say "full disclosure" that you weren't fully disclosing everything prior. Being in an open relationship means different things to different people, but to someone like me it means letting my partner know what I intend on doing. It means telling them what my thoughts are as I have them.

Full disclosure, my last relationship was an open relationship. Ideally, that would have been a good thing, had the partner not taken advantage of the situation. (Sorry... tea. I'll sip slower.) But there's nothing wrong with sharing your sex life with others. I love being open, and the idea that someone single should be able to go do as they please should span across other things.

And people love to think, "Okay, so polyamory just means you're cheating but that's okay?" Nope! You're with more than one person, and they may or may not be, but that's it. You can be polyamorous and asexual, ya know? It doesn't just mean you can fuck whoever and sleep over and nobody is allowed to get hurt. Wrong.

I've seen polyamory fall apart because of cheating - i.e. a partner that the other partner(s) didn't know about or something similary - or because of lying, or because of just normal relationship things. Polyamorous people or people in open relationships are not more prone to these things, though. Adding more people to the equation doesn't automatically mean you're adding only SHITTY people to the equation.

In nature, here's which animals do what. Just in case we think we're better than any species for whatever reason.

• Animals that mate for life: 
• the worm
• the wolf
• the swan
• the penguin
• the bald eagle
• Animals that practice polygyny (where the male has more than one female mate, but the female only mates with one male):
• the baboon
• the buffalo
• the gorilla
• the elephant seal
• the hyena
• Animals that have sex for fun:
• the pig
• the dolphin
• the bonobo (and some other primates)
• humans

So, these concepts of having more than one lover at a time, or throughout the course of a lifetime, why is it that humans have an issue with it? Because we gave it labels? Jeez, humans, get it together.

Once humans started labeling things, I feel we have a deeply-rooted need to fit into those labels. And when we don't, it drives us nuts. And when new labels are created because people shouldn't have to fit into any mold but we try anyway, we get upset that they're not the exact same as the previous molds we fit into and got so used to.

Humans, chill. Your personal jealousy and attachment issues have nothing to do with a relationship someone is a part of. If you can't put that to the side, then that's on you! And there's absolutely nothing wrong with monogamy or a closed relationship. But if you don't have anything nice to say, shut up, and leave other happy people alone.

Star-Crossed

In honor of our wonderful Full Moon in Capricorn, I'm going to do a post to alleviate some of the rough things we've all had to endure in our lives. A while ago I did a post on tea - because we all know that consent is like tea - so I'll do something silly. I got a lot of good suggestions, but I think maybe some humor might be good for the soul in a time like this!

In this post, I'm going to say what piece of candy each zodiac symbol correlates with. I'll throw in some sexual opinions I have, based on my platonic AND sexual experience I may have had with them. Let's do something fun!

Also, I'm not an expert in anything, so disclaimer! This list does NOT mean you are a Twix bar in real life. This does NOT mean you're a bag of Skittles. In case you were wondering.

• ARIES: As the first sign of the zodiac (and historically, one of the youngest), Aries are known for being blunt, taking charge, and being a tad bit belligerent. You're a fire sign, full of passion and courage. However, with your tendency to be a little too aggressive at times (especially in bed, but that's a little too much tea that nobody asked for), I think REDHOTS would be an appropriate candy for you. It takes you a while to warm up to them, but when you do, they make an imprint that matters for the remainder of your experience with them. Whether that's positive or negative is solely up to you.

• TAURUS: Ooooh, Taurus, girl. An earth sign represented by a bull... Being so grounded makes for one so stubborn. While that can manifest positively with you sticking by your opinions and knowing your worth, I think that especially sexually, not getting what you want can erupt quite a tantrum. But when you get exactly what you want - which isn't hard to provide - then you have a tendency to wholly involve yourself in the experience, sexual or otherwise. Ever had a JOLLY RANCHER that took over your mouth so thoroughly it stuck to the backs of your teeth?

• GEMINI: These twins, Castor and Pollux in Greek mythology, were twin Demigod brothers (with different fathers, which I guess is weird, but I guess mythology can do what they want?). Long story short, after Castor died, Pollux asked Zeus - his father - to give half of his immortality to his brother. This changed them into the constellation of Gemini. The willingness to share and the connection Gemini can form with their loved ones or partners is unmatched. I don't know anyone who wasn't willing to share their M&Ms with you.

• CANCER: These little crabs are so moody. A consistent need for affection, warmth, and validation. Which are not bad things to lust for, but think about a crab's movements: sideways, darting, and never head on without a fight. Your LICORICE attitude is a little touchy at times, but it doesn't take much for someone to fall in love. With all of you, not even just the parts they like. In bed, you might be a little too into it, or a little too distant. But that's why someone should take their time and get to know what's under the shell before even thinking about sliding in your DMs.

• LEO: Honestly, Leo gets a bad rep. Their best quality has got to be their loyalty and kindness, but all people see is the almost-pompous exterior. It's hard to think that lions have hearts when all you see is a mane and teeth. SNICKERS seem appropriate. It's not until you bite in that you remember it has nuts in it. I've been with some Leos, though, and honestly they have me roaring in bed, so I'll take that. Like, if there was one sign you would be required to call "Daddy", this one would be it. They're a fire sign ready to protect their pride at any cost, so don't mistake their fixed personality with anything other than them being sure of themselves.

• VIRGO: Virgo's ruling planet is Mercury, which is supposed to be in charge of our communication and processing of information. (Which is why when it's in retrograde, the way we understand one another and ourselves is often skewed.) But they love to talk. About everything. Characterized by the virgin, their analytical personality always leaves them hungry for everything they find interesting. You're always looking for "purity and perfection", which are perfect words I stumbled upon, so even sexually you're looking for exactly what you're looking for. Think HERSHEY BAR. If Mary Poppins were real, I think she'd be a Virgo: "practically perfect in every way", if at least only to her.

• LIBRA: The scales always want to be level, but life doesn't always work out like that. Affability only works when it's more than just a one-way street. You're ruled by your emotions through Venus, which means you're probably super sex-positive (yay!) but fickle as hell (nay?). I feel that demisexuality is probably something that sounds about right to a Libra - only being able to form a sexual attraction if an emotional/mental one is formed.So like, once you decide to eat a STARBURST, you don't really care if there's a teeny tiny bit of paper stuck on it when you eat it.

• SCORPIO: With your ruling planets sharing the throne with Pluto and Mars, the planets in charge of change and action, you definitely are trying your best to move forward. But Scorpio is a fixed water sign, meaning they have a tendency to be stubborn and austere as well as secretive and cunning. They have a tendency to misuse sex because of their compulsion problems. If it's something they want, they're going for it, never mind the regret they know will happen after. Like when you eat SKITTLES and you only want a few but then you've eaten the whole bag and you're crying about it but also getting another bag.

• SAGITTARIUS: Your symbol is the archer/centaur, your planet is Saturn, you're a fire sign with masculine influences... Okay, we get it, Sag, you're super confident. But also, please keep owning your confidence. Wear it like a banner across your chest, like the arrow your character holds. Loving the freedom to express and explore is something people gravitate towards. Sleeping with a Sagittarius can be one of the most fun experiences of your life, but they're super rebellious so good luck past a certain point. The TWIZZLERS of the zodiac - not quite one thing, not quite another, but a whole lot of something really good.

• CAPRICORN: Before we move on, can we just ask this question: what the hell is a sea-goat? Like, oh, Capricorn - the sea-goat. Um, question mark? But also, yeah... What the hell is a Capricorn half the time? Yes, you may pride yourself in your focus and ability to succeed in your endeavors, and rightfully so. Super ambitious, but cautious of every step at the same time. Almost conservative at times, because you're so confident in who you are, whoever that may be. Like the KITKAT, you're a classic. A dominant force in bed who knows exactly what they're doing... whatever that may be.

• AQUARIUS: As HAIR made the phrase possible, Aquarius is "destined for greatness or madness". Absolutely comparable to eating too many REESE'S PIECES at a time. And although you're often mistaken for an emotional and unstable water sign, they're actually and air sign and the complete opposite. You're a little distant, even though your mind is crystal clear with its own creativity, and when you notice that clarity you try and make it known to everyone what your intentions are. Kudos for honesty and altruism, which make for a very generous lover. But also one that gives for pleasure, and may pout when they can't receive. Never more than pout.

• PISCES: What a bubble-headed weirdo you are, Pisces. A soft exterior that takes no more than a second to break through, it's the inside we need to watch out for. If that doesn't sound exactly like a TWIX, I don't know what does. That crunch is what we're all waiting for, even though it's still a little surprising when it comes. It is the opposite of Aries - you're the last of the signs, but one of the oldest. Findings of Pisces drawings date as far back as 2300bc, and the mythology of the fish itself spans more than just the Greek and Roman. You're known for almost psychic tendencies, and that plus your old-soul in bed make for someone who knows exactly what they're doing.

I hope you had fun with me! Give me more fun things to do, Pineapple Peeps, I'm always down for feedback and suggestions!

Sun's Out, Buns Out!

TRIGGER WARNING.

I've lived in New York for my whole life. One thing I can say for sure is that the summers are scorching, the winters are frigid, and people are always complaining about both. And these same people are always out, no matter what. Whether 120 or -20, there's going to be traffic on the roads, because New York doesn't sleep for anyone.

What I've noticed with the summer months coming is that people are always ready to call out another person on what they're wearing. And how they're acting. And pretty much anything they're doing. More than they would normally. And I've noticed that certain phrases - "sun's out, buns out!", etc. - are created because society is so clingy and cares so much about our sex appeal, lack thereof, and how much skin people are showing, be it too much or too little.

In my poll, when I asked, "What season do you more associate "promiscuous behavior" with?", it was a clear winner of summer. Understandably, I guess. But let's look at some actual facts and try and look at the situation of a sex-obsessed summer differently.

(Keep in mind, some of these numbers may have changed in the last few years, but within 10 years, I think we can safely assume they didn't go too far in either direction.)

As per the Bureau of Justice Statistics in 2014, 55% of sexual assault happens at or near the victim's home. To me, that doesn't sound seasonally exclusive. However, according to an FBI analysis in 2012,  sexual assault as well as other crimes go up at an average of 6% during the three summer months, so you'd think that maybe promiscuity and amount of skin has something to do with it? Nope, because according to that survey, the amount of sexual assault and other crime goes up 18% than the normal average in the three winter months. There's no excuse for it at any time of the year, and the fact that people automatically think that summer fun has anything to do with our promiscuity is interesting to me.

So, maybe we view the summer as the grounds for more "promiscuous" behavior because it is one of the times of the year when we have more freedom to be ourselves and explore more safely? But maybe it's because sex is always taboo anyway, and when more skin is showing and society keeps victim-blaming, these reports are only jumping when the victim can safely assume nobody is telling them that their exposed skin was instigating someone... in -10 degree weather...

Tea.

The definition of promiscuous says: *derogatory* - "having or characterized by many transient sexual relationships". I don't understand how more promiscuous behavior can't happen all year round. I don't understand why the word "promiscuous" is marked in the dictionary as a derogatory term. I don't understand why the summer eliciting "easier access" clothing (because maybe it's fucking HOT outside) means that automatically someone is going to want to access it. Even though I personally go a little bit crazy in the summer, I have never attributed that to the way I dress. And anything sexual that I have not consented to, I also cannot attribute that to the way that I dress. I can be in the same environment with the same people and dress whatever way to accommodate whatever weather is happening. My libido and sexual experiences is only affected by the people.

And personally, I love winter. I feel I can be my true self. I don't need to worry about any extra sweat, except for what's warranted by that AWFUL promiscuity I thrive on. I don't need to worry about being too close, because the cold makes snuggles an incredible viable option to keep warm. But I mean, nighttime swims in the summer? Intimate as heck, and can get you real horny if you're swimming with the right one. In my humble opinion.

I implore you to do some new thinking as we go into summer: leave humans alone! I'm gonna have sex no matter what season, and we all know a wonderful self-proclaimed slut like me who never lets weather stop her from doing what she wants! But please keep in mind that in the months of the year where more skin is showing, that does NOT give you an excuse to do anything without that sweet sexy consent. And during the months of the year when LESS skin is showing, guess what? You still need consent! Wow!!!

Our generation is obsessed with summertime. Keep it that way. Be who you need to be. Enjoy the weather. And be safe, Pineapple Peeps!

Let's Get (Way Too) Personal! ep.1

Hey, guys! Long time no speak(? Write? Oh, well, I'm back.)

I'm gonna start a series of interviews, we'll call them our "Let's Get (Way Too) Personal!" episodes, so here's to number one!

Diving right into it... There's a couple I follow on Twitter, Jo and Elijah - absolutely lovely people! So I decided to give them a little interview, as best I could, with them living so far away. Keeping anonymous, but if there's anyone would like Twitter information, let me know! (And buy the lovely lady's packages, she's HOT as HECC.)

Also, please keep in mind, I did this interview over Twitter. The responses are exactly as I received them, in order to give an accurate representation of what they LITERALLY said in response to my questions, rather than a paraphrasing that wouldn't do it any justice at all.


QUESTIONS:

Backstory! What are your names, where are you from, favorite color, least favorite vegetable... Anything you think we should know!

• I’m Jo, I’m from Pennsylvania originally. I moved to Florida on my own when I was 23. I stop whatever I’m doing when I see a dog and lose my mind. I hate okra (unless it’s pickled) and both our favorite color is purple. Elijah lives in Winston-Salem, NC and he literally can’t stand onions. 

So, getting to the basics, where do you both fit as far as a sexual niche? (Dom, kitten, sub, switch, etc.)

• Elijah kind of favors being a dom but switches. I’m the opposite. I’m a sub but can switch too. I definitely appreciate that he takes the reigns as someone who has a lot of insecurity. 

And how did you guys meet, and how long have you been together? (Sorry, it’s a mostly sex-acclimated blog.)

• We kind of met through mutual friends when Elijah was going through a break up and we lost touch for some time then reconvened in 2017. It’s funny because Elijah talked me through a few dates and gassed me up but then we ended up together after hanging out a couple of times. We promised we wouldn’t have sex when we hung out in case we were too impulsive and botched the possibility of a relationship lol, but actually we hooked up and were pretty consistent since April 2017. 

What do you guys love about one another as far as being with each other?

• I guess in a dating sense and just spending time together that we literally laugh at the smallest things and have the same sense of humor. Elijah can make me laugh and make me calm all at once. He thinks he’s a dumb ass and enjoys that I enjoy it, he still thinks the fact that I shot milk through my nose over him saying his butt itches is an indication we’re soulmates. He’s made me pee myself laughing a few times. 

And what do you guys love about each other sexually? It can be a particular act that’s done, or just a general comment about your sex lives.

• He likes that we know just how to get each other off and have almost mastered orgasming at the same time. Elijah likes that we talk about exploring things and will usually always try it with each other and laugh about it if it goes bad. I enjoy that we have humor and can discuss our acts. Elijah is kind of down for everything. He’s so open minded and will explore mostly anything with me but I stand by the fact that the way he touches me during sex takes it to another level. He’s intimate and gentle in a consistent vibe even when he’s choking me and hitting me. Idk I’m just comfortable, I feel safe. I haven’t felt that with anyone else. Like real safety. 

Have you guys ever done anything sexually with one another that you’ve never done with another partner before? And if so, how did it come to be?

• We did DP with a dildo to prep for anal which I’ve never really done before. It kind of happened because Elijah never did anal with anyone else and was veeeeerrrry fond of it but I’m kind of fragile so we had to get creative on how to warm up. 

If you’re LGBTQ+, have you ever incorporated that into your relationship? If you’re heterosexual, have you ever thought to include some aspect of something outside of that into your relationship?

• I’m demi pan and we’ve discussed threesomes. Elijah wouldn’t mind bringing another girl in. I’m honestly open to any gender, but I think if we brought another dude in it wouldn’t be as comfortable as it were or would be with a female. Elijah is hetero but open minded. 

What makes you so comfortable to be as sexual as you are on a social media platform? Did it come from any aspect of exhibitionism, or did it stem from a money-based place?

• Elijah is super comfortable in his skin and in sex work and I’m comfortable with showing people. If they want to see or buy it it’s fun but he really thrives off the aspect of being seen and appreciated. It’s sick to see other people want to see or watch it. It took me a long time to be okay with showing my body off and I think for me it’s exhibitionism. It helped me to find other women who weren’t the common portrayal of beauty being unapologetically bare, but it was definitely a few years before I practiced the same pride. I was exploring the love I had for myself publicly long before I started getting paid though. At least on Twitter. I don’t do dancing to be seen, I do it to get paid. I still enjoy making money off my nudes though. 

Do you think that continuously advertising and selling your content has strengthened or weakened anything in your relationship?

• In a way I think it hasn’t really made any difference in my relationship but definitely being able to do porn together has been a bonding experience. Neither one of us has suffered any blows to our relationship from being involved in sex work, I really don’t think we’ve even had a single issue aside from the complaint of people wanting to be cut a deal on something or trying tho haggle. We’re kind of neither here nor there about it, it’s an everyday thing. Like pass the salt haha. In certain ways we are pretty advanced when it comes to being honest and never getting into anything we know would cause issues for one or the other person. I don’t think we’d have lasted this long if we had doubts or issues about the sex work. 

So, both of you are super attractive! (Sorry, over it, moving on.) Do you ever get into situations where one of you has gotten jealous about anything to do with selling/showing content? If not, how do you keep that consistent?

• Aww thank you!!!! Elijah and I discuss everything openly and have never really had any issue of jealousy pertaining to sex work, we sort of maintain the equilibrium by constantly keeping each other in the loop. 

Is there anything, as far as things that are not meant to be seen as sexual, that the other does in your relationship that turns you on?

• Elijah says, “Well I’m in love with her so literally anything she does turns me on, I’ve straight up made eye contact with her while poppin in a tampon and I could’ve fucked her right then and there.” Lmao. Dead ass I could just watch Elijah talk about something intently be it cooking tofu or skateboarding or how he used to carry around a backpack of corona and want to have sex with him. I would attribute that to my strong feelings for him that are non sexual, but I like the way he talks. How he moves his hands and handles everything with calmness. Being devoted to someone long term and having lived with them kind of makes you super observant in their mannerisms, I could just watch Elijah all the time. Smitten af. Lmaooooo.  

Is there anything - feel free to not share details! - that’s a complete turnoff? If there are, how have you learned/how are you learning to move forward with it?

• Elijah and I don’t really know any turnoffs that have been associated with each other. If I’ve ever been turned off it’s usually been me not feeling myself or feeling good enough. Never anything to do with him.  I love spit, one time he spit in my face though and it got in my eye and I got an eye infection the next morning when I woke up for work. So that stopped our spit fetish. 

And, final question! Full disclosure: the best sex you’ve had with one another?

• Lol Elijah says all our sex has been amazing but one of his favorites is the night we first met because we weren’t even supposed to bang. We vowed that we wouldn’t and we wanted to wait but there was so much tension we couldn’t help it. He always talks about how he literally fucked me into the headboard. I actually cut my hand open on the headboard and we beat each other up all night. That’s definitely one of my favorites too but also one night I snuck him into my landlord’s house, while he was visiting Orlando for work and only had literally 3 hours to spare. I picked him up at 12 after he had worked all day. We were back at the house at 1:45 and had sex for an hour with redbone on repeat and then I let him nap and drove him back to Orlando at 4AM. Also one night we had an argument and I was pretty upset and we were getting in the shower together. I was brushing my hair or something and he started kissing my neck and being emotional, it was all over for me. I think I came in like 20 seconds flat. He just bent me over and pulled my yoga pants down and kissed my neck and I was finished lmao

Yay! Open people! Thank you to them both!

I'd like to do a post in the future a little more about exhibitionism and voyeurism, because they're something I feel people have a strange negative connotation between someone enjoying being watched more than there is with someone watching, and it's a little silly to me! And sex work is VALID, so I will be writing another post on that as well.

I think that being open about your sexual life is absolutely NOT an obligation, so thank you so much to people like Jo and Elijah who are willing to be so open to help other people maybe explore their own sexuality a bit! Venture on, Pineapple Peeps!

Jigglypuff gets JigglyRuff

TRIGGER WARNING.

Hey, guys. I know this started off with full steam, and I know that I'm always super gung-ho and open about my sex life. And about my life in general, really. But there are some things that I can never really explain to anyone. They're in my head, they're felt by me in one way or another, and I could be the best writer in the world and never be able to express how I felt to anyone.

The best thing that I'm trying to almost force myself to do is ignore the negativity. My biggest issue with myself is my depression. From that springs most other issues that I have. I'm not using it as a scapegoat for my problems. But a reason is different than an excuse, and this is most certainly a reason. A chemical reason that changes a quite a lot.

A great quote that was brought to my attention - actually as I was writing this - kind of makes sense in the way that I'm approaching my sex life right now. And my regular life, really. It's from Agatha Christie's "Murder on the Orient Express", and the quote is: "I have learned to save myself useless emotion." What a rad quote. Not save oneself from emotion, period. But save oneself from what does nothing for you.

I refuse to deny myself the right to feel emotion. When I numb myself, it's not healthy. I use sex as a weapon, and I use it viciously. For someone such as myself, it's a strange thing to use. Like Jigglypuff using a machete. I can be sexually aggressive - duh - but when I say that I weaponize my sex appeal, it's dangerous for my own mental health more than anything. And potentially my normal health, should I make choices that aren't good for me.

I know I've already posted about my issues as far as sex and my mental health. But, seeing as I've already made a promise (if only to myself) that if I were going to write a blog - especially one with these topics - I'd be as open as possible. This post is possibly redundant, but it's not an exception. And it is a very big part of my life.

I want to be able to have the sex I want, for the right reasons. I want my sexual partners to know that I'm not using them for sex, and I'm not using sex as an escape from anything. I want to let people know that the rough sex I want to have is not for any reason other than the enjoyment I receive from it. I want those I love and know care about me to be the ones to do what I like, because I know that it's nothing I ever have to worry about.

Jigglypuff might like getting JigglyRUFF, but that does not mean that I deserve that consistently. And that does not meant that I have to distract myself with things I like to be happy. It's like dangling a candy bar in front of a treadmill so that someone will run. It's not fair to me. Useless emotions are, for want of a better word, USELESS. And I will make sure to apply this to my life in all aspects, to promote positivity in everything that I do.

Shiny Things

TRIGGER WARNING.

The BDSM community is so vast. If you can think about it, you can probably do it. And there are some outlandish things that are done more often than one might think. One of these things is knife play.

Now, before you ask, yes. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Knife play is using knives (or other sharp and shiny things similar to a knife) to create sexual/sensual pleasure. Some people use it just for the thrill of having a knife around them, some people use it to create pain, and some people use it in certain scenes they take part in with their partner.

(For those who may not be familiar with certain terminology, I will be making another post about it!)

I've partaken in knife play before. It was so scary, and I loved it. I was with someone I trusted, and they did everything they needed to do prior to doing it. At the end, I felt safe and satisfied, and that’s exactly what I should have felt. If you ever take part in a scene and you don’t feel comfortable, you need to END that scene. Period.

So before I take another step upward on my consent soapbox, I’m going to use some safety tips one of my lovely Twitter friends put up! I learn from other people, and so should you. I decided that she was one of the best sources for something like this, so I’ll be putting up the information at the end of the post!

• KNIVES ARE NOT TOYS! Remember, the original purpose of a knife was to hurt, to kill, to damage.
• Always have a decent first aid kit available. Make sure this includes antibiotic ointment, cotton balls, fabric bandaids, and butterfly bandages.
• Make sure you manage your time in the scene, take your time, and never use a knife on someone that you’ve never used on your own skin.
• CLEAN YOUR KNIVES BEFORE AND AFTER YOU USE THEM!
• Don’t boil the knives to sterilize them. It sometimes warps the blade and may cause it to lose its temper.
• Make sure you’re both clean, and don’t be afraid of being too clean. Rubbing alcohol always does wonders.
• Use a super sharp knife or a dull edge of one. Anything in the middle is incredibly dangerous because you never know what’s going to happen.
• Pull the knife towards you when touching the edge to your partner, never push away.
• If you are scraping the skin, hold blade at 45 degree angle from the skin.
• Never cut above the shoulders, as there are too many sensitive and irreplaceable parts.
• Hold your blade the way an artist would hold and control a paint brush.
• When first exploring knife play, start with a blade no larger than the width of your hand.
• Make sure you account for any flinch or sudden sound that may startle your partner.
• Pay attention to your partner and make sure you know the way they flinch, how much movement per jerk or quiver, etc.
• REMEMBER THIS: Knife play is the ultimate edge play and is legally considered assault with a deadly weapon. Because it is.

You can technically do whatever you want, really. I’ve had situations with partners so rough we decided it would be best to put things in writing first. But there were so many things on that paper that there was no way anything could be misconstrued. At all. But that’s me. I can handle a lot more than other people can. And I’m very much so aware of my limits, and I’m very lucky to have had certain partners who were willing to work with me and push those limits to see what was the best for us.

Knives are, sometimes, a funner concept than a toy. It’s okay to leave some things just a mere fantasy, instead of going forward with actually putting those things into real life. Don’t ever be afraid to NOT do something. There’s a weird thing that I’ve been made aware of where if you don’t partake in something you’re into, you’re not authentically into it. That doesn’t make sense. I’m into having millions of dollars and Donald Trump not being the president, but doesn’t mean that either of those things are the case.

Let me know if there are some other safety/educational posts that you guys want me to write! I’m curious to hear what you guys are interested in! Have fun, Pineapple Peeps!

For those of you who are interested, the Twitter account I mentioned above is @blackBDSM - It's a pansexual kink account... There is something for absolutely everyone, even if it's not your particular cup of tea. If you don't like it, scroll past. But I've found that certain things, such as this thread, have been incredibly helpful. Go give her a look!

Case of the Glooms

TRIGGER WARNING.

So, as you all know, I am someone who suffers from anxiety and depression. Some days it’s much worse than others, but it’s something that’s a part of me. And as we probably also all know, I am someone who enjoys sex. These two things have a strange correlation for me.

When I’m sad, I want to have sex. I’m not sure why. It’s just something I want to do. I’m in tune enough with my body to know what endorphins will be released if I orgasm, and I usually want that. And when I’m anxious, I just want to be touched - in an intimate way, not a sexual way. And yes, those two things are different.

But recently, it’s been much different. I’m with a boy who treats me well, and I’m decently happy in my life. Not too much is going on. But the cases of the glooms that I get have been getting can’t be solved by sex. So what happens in that case?

I listen to my body. I’ve denied sex before. I’ve pulled away from an embrace before. I’ve gotten more horny and more clingy and affectionate as well. Whatever is good for my body is what I do for my body.

There are bad times to have sex. If you listen to yourself, you’ll hear what you need to hear. Sex will NOT solve everything, but sometimes you just need that release. Some tension can be fixed that way. Sometimes you just don't want it.

And as far as the boy goes… I’m open with him, and it’s a good situation for us to be in. But there’s big chunks of doubt and paranoia that comes along with it that. What if he does this, what if he finds someone else, what if I’m not his consistent anymore, what if blah blah blah. He reassures me that it is not the case - and I believe him! - but of course you're not going to believe someone unless you believe it yourself.

And in a way, I do believe him. He’s someone I’d like to have around me for a while. And I know he’s not going to say or do anything he doesn’t mean. And the way he fucks me, well damn. I’m confident enough to know he’s not ready to give that up. (Holla!!!)

But sometimes, the cases of the glooms (as I call them) get too loud in my head for me to hear anything above it. So what do you do?

In sex, in life, in everything else - try your best to calm yourself down. If you’re going through a lot, then do the best you can. I’m not saying “Just CALM DOWN!” because we all know that it doesn’t work. Saying “Just get better!” to a cancer patient does absolutely nothing. So why do it to someone who has another kind of issue?

My advice to you, myself, and whoever needs it: sex can solve some bad moods, but it will not solve your problems. Make sure you take care of yourself, before you have someone else take care of you, in any way that might be.

Thank you guys so much for tolerating me during this time of writers block and mental issues. I love all of you guys, and hopefully I can write on a more consistent basis from here on out. Love my Pineapple Peeps!

I Want Candy (And Some Other Stuff, Too)

TRIGGER WARNING.

I want someone who’s not afraid. I want rough. When I say rough, I don’t mean the occasional slap in the face. I want to be hurt. I want someone to fuck me up. I want someone to fuck. Me. Up.

I want to not be able to breathe. I want to not be able to speak. I want to not be able to see. I want to not be able to think. I want to not know what’s coming next. I don’t want to know where they are. I don’t want to know what they’re doing. And I don’t want them to tell me. Shoot, half the time I don’t even want them to talk.

I want bite marks all over, so bad that I’d be embarrassed to show them in public. I want hickeys making the inside of my legs look like they got into a high school fist fight. I want pain. Like, when I say I want pain, I want PAIN.

But also, I want someone to kiss it better. I want the “good girl”, I want the “you’re doing so well,” I want the “just like this” kind of guidance. I want rewards. I want to be made to feel like i’m doing a good job. I want someone who understands what aftercare is, even if it’s not necessarily “after”.

I also want ways to say no. I want a safe word, and a physical representation of the safe word so that if I can’t speak, they’ll still know. I want the consensual understanding what isn’t and what is okay. I want it to be spoken about before they proceed. Consent is important, no matter what you’re into.

I want to try a whole bunch of shit. I want to bleed a little. I want to be burned and not see flashbacks of other flames. I want to turn blue, and have the heat of wanting me so bad to bring the pink back into my face. I want to be thrown around like I’m nothing, but be made to remember that I’m something.

I want my wrists held down. I want my legs tied down. I want to orgasm so hard that I beg for them to stop. I want to be shaking so hard I want to have to use my safe word. But I want them to know that I’m not done. It’s only a yellow light. I want a face in between my legs for so long that I’m fighting my own body to move it from there. But I don’t want to be able to move. I want the restriction of movement. I want to know that they’re not done, either.

I want painfully gentle, too. I want to orgasm from the roughest pounding they can give to me - which will still never be rough enough for me - and then I want fingers rubbing it better. I don’t want to stop.

I want someone to make me their toy. I want to be treated like shit. But to my benefit. In that respect, I want everything that I said I want. I want to have orgasms, and I want them to know what I want because I don’t want to be allowed to say it. I want to be used, and fucked up to the max. Like, there are limits. But I want them to already know.

THAR SHE BLOWS!

Ahh, here’s a fun one. My squirt story. Keep in mind, I am aware that not everyone is capable of this, as far as I was aware. And for some, it’s much easier than others.

Okay, so first, let’s get one thing straight - I have NO problems orgasming. When done properly, it’ll happen over and over and over again. And if you listen to me, it’s not that hard to do me properly.

But there was a barrier up from years of picking the wrong sexual partners, and I knew I had it in me… I just couldn’t do it. When I was a bit younger, I had one particular partner who I had some awesome power play times. It was rough, and I was dominated, and it was AWESOME. Except when he got too cocky and wouldn’t allow me to orgasm.

A part of BDSM is sometimes there are rules involved, and one of our rules was that I wasn’t allowed to orgasm without asking for permission. This was fine, until he consistently said “no”. My orgasm-controlling ability is great now. My barriers are still super high, though.

So because of this, it’s a big deal that I even was able to squirt. But here’s the story…

I’d been having sex with this guy for approximately four years at the point that this happened. You know, on and off, off when one/both of us were dating someone, on when we weren’t. I won’t get into details. Just know that he was one of the best I’ve ever had. He listened to me, and he explored with me, and he made me feel incredibly wanted in bed. He was even my first time experiencing anal sex, which brought me to a new level of comfort.

But after all this INCREDIBLE sex, I still couldn’t break the wall. He found all the spots, and you heard that sound your G-spot makes when it swells up and you start hearing the liquid fill up inside of it. But no matter what he did, I couldn’t get past that fucking wall that stood between me and a different kind of orgasm.

Then finally… after four years of trying… it happened.

I hadn’t seen him in a few days. After seeing him pretty much every day. I missed him, and I’m pretty sure he missed me too. With the things he said during sex, it was pretty obvious. But besides all of that, he was amazing.

I don’t usually have bad sex with this guy. I don’t think I’ve ever had bad sex with him, actually. But there was something different about this time. Like, he couldn’t wait. And I was super into it. So things happen where we were sitting on the couch in front of the television, and then after a few moments of that, we transfer to the bedroom.

It was crazy amazing. It’s like I forgot who I was for a second. My soul deadxss left my body. And after the orgasms started coming (hahaha), they wouldn’t stop. And he felt it. And he did what he needed to do, and used his fingers, and it happened. Not a whole lot, but it happened. Enough for the continuation to be just as intense as the first part of it.

I think it was amazing. I don’t know if it’ll ever happen again. But I’m super thankful for the fact that it did.

I want to hear about your squirt stories! If you have ‘em, give ‘em! I think what the human body is capable of is super fascinating. Comment below, or ask for my email, or Facebook message me, or text me, or tweet at me… Whatever you’d like!